Good Help is Hard to Find
by Teri
Summary: Walter decides that General O'Neill needs a new administrative assistant and sets out to find him one. Crossovers
1. Mash: Radar O'Reilly

An "Off the Record" Story:

**Good Help is Hard to Find  
**_A Stargate: SG-1 Crossover Story _  
by Teri

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Summary: Walter decides that General O'Neill needs a new administrative assistant and sets out to find him one. 

Author's Note: As with all of the "Off the Record" stories the prologue is set in season 9, but the rest of the story is set before Jack leaves the SGC. Knowledge of other "Off the Record" stories is not required. The only you need to know is that Jack and Hank play chess and swap stories on a regular basis.

Disclaimer: the author is not affiliated with Stargate, or with any of the other shows and characters mentioned in this story. These stories were written for my own amusement and hopefully the enjoyment of others.

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Jack and Hank were sitting at Hank's kitchen table once more playing chess. For once they weren't playing outside because as the sound of water beating on the windows proved it was raining steadily outside.

Jack reached over and moved his Knight.

"Hank, been wanting to ask you. How come Walter is still your aide?"

"Why would I ever let him go, Jack?" Hank looked at Jack as if he were a mad man. "The man is a God-send. He knows everyone and everything."

"Yeah, but when he was my aide he couldn't wait to get someone else to fill the position."

Hank just stared at Jack for a moment.

"Fine, I know I am not the easiest person to work for, don't say one word, but some of the people he had me set to interview. I'm telling you he had to be desperate to get out. It was ridiculous." Jack shook his head. "Let me tell you a little story."

Hank smiled, "sure what would our chess matches be without a little off the record story?"

"Well it all began when I had been General for not even two months. . . "

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"_Help, I need somebody, Help, not just anybody, Help, you know I need someone, help_"  
- J. Lennon & P. McCartney.

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"Sir, with all due respect, I cannot continue to operate as your administrative assistant, not when I have chevrons to lock and my duties to General Hammond and the Prometheus."

"I know Walter," Jack let the thought drop, his look said 'but what would I do without you?'

"Sir, I have taken the liberty of scheduling a series of appointments, both military and civilian who have the qualifications and clearance for the job. You should be able to choose from one of them."

"We'll see, Walter, we'll see."

Jack didn't think it would be an easy task to replace Walter, but he was hardly prepared for what would come.

_**

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Chapter 1**

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"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice"  
- Sidney Freedman (MASH)

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"So, what qualifications, do you have?"

"I've managed my own farm while clerking at the general store. I was also the clerk for a mobile army surgical hospital for several years."

"When?" Jack asked the older gentleman.

"Well it was . . ." He stopped and cocked his head as if he was hearing something he was unsure about. "Ah, unauthorized off world, ah, Activation, Sir?" The man said unsure about what exactly it meant.

Jack looked at him worriedly. How did he know that? Candidates aren't supposed to know what goes on here. What kind of person did Walter send him? "You sit right here and wait for me." Jack started to say as he stood to go get Walter and perhaps some guards? But, the truth is he didn't get a chance to say it because the other man started to speak at the same time, "I'll sit right here and wait for you, Sir, while you get your men."

Jack looked at him perplexed, he walked over to the door and reached to open it, but it opened from the other side.

"Walter?"

Two choruses of "Yes, Sir?" filled the room and Jack just stared at his Sergeant.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Jack was well use to Walter anticipating him, simply moved the conversation ahead to tell him why he wanted him, when the Sgt. stopped a moment, tilting his head. "Unauthorized off-world activation, Sir."

A moment later the alarms went off, indicating, an unauthorized off-world activation.

Jack looked at both men before hurrying out of the same room.

"I guess this means I didn't get the job?" The older man asked.

The sergeant glanced at Jack's retreating form. "Somehow, I don't think so Grandpa."

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Well, I guess that's a bear we all gotta cross.  
-- Radar (MASH)

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I hope you all have enjoyed.  
Teri  
June 27, 2006


	2. WKRP in Cincinnati: Jennifer Marlowe

An "Off the Record" Story:

**Good Help is Hard to Find**  
_A Stargate Crossover Story_  
by Teri

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As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.  
- Arthur Carlson (WKRP in Cincinnati)

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"So, what are your qualifications?" Jack asked the pretty, well-built, blonde in front of him, easily imagining her looks as her only qualification, but trying to reserve judgement and trust in Walter's assessment.

"I can type85 words a minute. I use to work . . ." she started to say as the phone began to ring. Jennifer reached over and answered the phone, "General O'Neill's line."

There was a short pause as she listened to the person on the other end of the line. "No, Mr. Carlson, your trains are in your middle desk drawer, yes sir, and your conductor's hat is in there too."

She hung-up the phone.

"I'm sorry General. I worked as a secretary at a radio station in Cincinnati and was in charge of a charitable foundation. I've also," the phone started to ring again and Jennifer once more reached over and answered it. "General O'Neill's office, yes, right, I am sorry he is in a meeting right now. No, Bob, I am afraid he can't do that. Bob, the man is busy. When you're needed he will call you, okay? Yes, give my love to your wife. Thank you."

Jack was looking over at her miffed now. Who did she think she was answering his phone? "Who was that?"

"Oh, just Vice President Kinsey. I told him you weren't available to talk to him."

On one hand, Jack wanted to shoot this woman who kept answering his phone, but on the other hand he wanted to give her a medal, a big kiss, or maybe both for getting rid of Kinsey.

"As I was saying, I was also in charge of a charitable foundation . . . " the phone rang again, this time it was the red phone. Jennifer reached for it with an exasperated sigh, before Jack could stop her.

"General O'Neill's office. "

Jack was seeing red and grabbed the phone.

"Sir?"

"Jack, was that Jennifer Marlow?"

"Yes, sir."

"Let me speak to her," the President insisted.

Jack looked oddly at the woman in his office as he handed her the phone.

"Henry, you old devil. How are you? Yes, I am fine. Yes. It was wonderful seeing both of you at Senator Michaels' house. Yes, well, you were as handsome as ever. . . . Henry, General O'Neill works hard here. Be a dear and give him what ever he asks for. Thanks. Love to you and Norma "

Jennifer stood and handed the phone back to Jack. "I'm leaving, General, this job is to much work."

With that she left, leaving a bewildered Jack to stare after her as she left without another word.

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"Baby, if you've ever wondered, Wondered whatever became of me,  
_I'm livin' on the air in Cincinnati_, _Cincinnati, WKRP."  
_ - Theme song to WKRP in Cincinnati

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Again, I hope you all enjoyed.  
-Teri  
June 27, 2006 


End file.
